It’s been rough.

I’ve gone through a lot of shit since September.

My anxiety and depression have both increased, to the point of paralyzing panic attacks and everything that comes with depression. I started smoking weed and drinking more because it helped me feel better. Or at least, for a little while until the high went away. I cut, starved myself, and cried myself to sleep many nights dreaming of the life I wanted but could never achieve it. I’m not ashamed of any of the things that I did while depressed at college, but I am ashamed of the place it led me to. I’ve fought against my faith as well. I grew up Christian and most of my family is Christian, but when I started having sex, my parents used religion as a punishment and as a last resort to “fix me”. Along with being diagnosed with ADD and being forced to take adderall, I quickly turned away from my religion, mocking it with the rest of the world.

But things happen for a reason.

My boyfriend met with a couple who has changed both of our lives. We attended a leadership conference and we are both different people because of it. I no longer want to smoke, drink, cut, starve, or even think about depression. I don’t want to sit on my ass anymore and feel sorry for myself and look at pictures on tumblr thinking “if only I was pretty like that girl” or “why can’t I be thin like that?” I AM BEAUTIFUL JUST AS I AM AND NOBODY, NOBODY IS GOING TO TELL ME I’M NOT. FUCK THIS SOCIETY EVERYBODY NEEDS TO FEEL BEAUTIFUL ABOUT THEMSELVES. But I’m not going to be that depressed little shit anymore. There is no point in living in constant negativity. I have been given an opportunity to change my life forever. This opportunity happened for a reason. It didn’t just fall out of the sky or happen because my boyfriend or I worked hard; we met these people for a reason. They were purposefully put into our lives, and I cannot ignore that. I’m not a person of faith anymore, but for days I would futilely pray to a non-existent god to take away my pain and suffering and just end my life. But I wouldn’t have seen the truth otherwise. I see now, that this was the answer. Even if I still don’t believe, this is not something I am going to ignore. I have a chance to make all of my dreams come true. I have a chance to be HAPPY. GENUINELY HAPPY. And nobody is going to take this away from me. I know for a fact that one day I will be rich. Not only in money with large houses and cars and shit like that; honestly I don’t give a rats ass about those things. I am going to be rich because I will be free.

FREE.

Free from the oppressive “career world”, free from college and they’re money sucking tactics, free from debt, free from judgement, and free from the idiots who think I can’t do it. I AM GOING TO BE FREE. I will wake up each morning, look at my husband and smile, knowing that we don’t have to get out of bed AT ALL. I will be able to spend all of my time raising and loving my children, without having to go to a FUCKING JOB AND WASTE ALL OF MY TIME AT A JOB TRYING TO MAKE MONEY THAT WILL INEVITABLY GO TO A BANK OR LOAN PAYMENTS. I will be free. Free from all of the shit in my head. And I don’t give a damn if any of you read this. I have been awakened and seen the truth. I can only hope that the rest of you can be happy and motivated like me someday.

I’m taking a break from tumblr because everything on tumblr makes me wallow back into my depression and honestly, I don’t need this shit. I love all of your blogs, but one day I hope you see that there’s more out there than bottling up your problems on a blog. I have been set free; I hope you can someday too.

Love,

Alyssa.